We arrived at the train station, avoiding the faeces eating wild pigs swishing around on the road in the puddles, and caught a nice leisurely train to Jaipur. This was possibly the best train trip we ever did as it was a regular train such as we are used to in the Western world with proper big seats etc. First Class all the way, yeah! On the train I realised we didn’t actually say our goodbyes to our new friends Chris and Dan as they were sitting right next to us in the carriage. Our goodbyes were to be saved for later that night. They had stayed at a hostel in Jaipur which had served them well so we all went there again. At the hostel they spotted a tuk tuk driver they had used and he had taken them around Jaipur on a tour for a good price so we booked him in for the next day. We then bode our new friends farewells, for real.

We woke up nice and early the next morning excited to not have to think, only to be taken around the city, the world our oyster, well Jaipur anyway. First stop was getting our ticket home. We tentatively asked our tuk tuk driver to take us to a travel agent. Always risky and a sure way to get ripped off. However he dropped us off around the corner from the agent and pointed to the door and stayed in the tuk tuk. A truly amazing experience. I could not believe it. He wasn’t coming in to try and get his share of the profits. Also at the start of the trip he said he was going to take us to 3 shops to help make the fair cheaper. Which is was very cheap, and we didn’t have to buy anything. Honest as well. Usually they try and sneak them in or force them on you real sneaky like. He even bought us a chai. I tried not to look at the guy standing at the dodgy stall in the street swilling water around a billy he had just cleaned out from the puddle at his feet. I tried even harder not to look at the chai? I was nervously swilling. I tried the most hardest to ignore the bits and pieces that seemed to be slipping through the teeth. One thing I couldn’t ignore was our driver with a big smile on his face watching us enjoy every single tiny sip urging us on, the smile getting larger with each. “Mmmm. This sure is good chai….err thankyou.” Lucky for us our stomachs were pretty much made from iron about then due to the 3 months pounding they had received. Or so I kept telling myself.

So we sat back and the first stop was a tour of a palace in central Jaipur. As usual the Hannah and Mika tour show jumped out of the tuk tuk about 5 seconds before it stopped ready to get stuck in see the sites, have a quick squiz and then bail. However the driver was on to it and stopped us before we reached the obligatory beggars to give us an in depth 2 hour repeating history in stuttering spluttering English interrupted every now and then to ask if he was saying the right word. He didn’t get our subtle hints. Hannah tapping her foot, Hannah running off and me holding her back, Hannah looking every which way but the driver, Hannah looking at her watch, Hannah yawning, Hannahs name being swapped for mine, Hannah stretching, Hannah coughing.

Finally we untangled ourselves from the ear chewing machine and ran into the palace. After that dittography it was sure going to be good and it sure did disappoint slightly. However we ran around and came back out again in 10 minutes, about 35 minutes before our allotted time slot. However he had a back up but before he could go into details I saw something really interesting, a gate, grabbed Hannah and ran over to it yelling out behind us that we would be back in 35.

The next stop was an observatory.

“Two tickets please and one camera.” It seems cameras being an entity in themselves attract a bit of a fee as well.

Us being us grabbed the tickets and then instantly threw them away in the bin once we realised there was no one checking tickets. We wandered around for a bit jumping on al the instruments.

“Excuse me sir, ticket please.” Said this Indian in a funny looking brown clothes and some dodgy badge.

“Yeah mate, but go away.” I said politely.

“You don’t have a camera ticket. 20 rupee please.” He continued.

I thought about how he knew this without even checking first so I did what every red blooded person would do “You don’t have a real job.” Which he didn’t. I may have red eyes a lot of the time and they may play up and cause me all sorts of grief but even I could see he was just some Indian dude trying his luck with stupid tourists and trying to get me to give him some free money.

I sniffed to show my indignation, waited a minute, and then sniffed again a touch louder just in case he didn’t notice the first sniff.

He was pretty persistant but I could be as well and so I gave him the usual beggar treatment and pretended he wasn’t there. It did feel strange though having a personal assistant follow me around trying to get my attention and grabbing my arm as I slowly toured the site. I took my time just to show this clown that he wasn’t bothering me. My entourage grew a few more people and it wasn’t until I was leaving and person in the ticket booth and one of my little uniformed followers was getting real frustrated with the fact that I didn’t seem to realise he existed no matter how he acted, called over one of the security guards to show that he was really a ticket inspector. Oops. Hannah then took over and did a bit of sweet talking and we didn’t have to pay again.

“Hannah, I can be sweet sometimes too. I am sure I could have got us out of this little problem you put us in.” I stated for the record.

Hannah snorted.

I spotted some snakes outside with the snake charmers. I crept as close as I dared and took a couple of snaps. The eagle eyed snake charmers spotted me approaching and saw the said pictures and then started yelling at me to give them some money. Now I am a generous man and I will pay up for a bit of a show. However there is one thing I wasn’t going to do and that was get any closer to charmers seeing as the cobra were looking a bit too angry for me.

“Money” they shouted at me.

I shook my head furiously.

“50 rupees a photo.”

I shook my head furiously again. They were freaking cobras! Last time I checked, cobras bite. They started getting a bit angry, the snake charmers that is. I didn’t care. Angry men I can handle, angry cobras are angry cobras and they were looking quite angry enough thankyou. I fled.

By then it was lunch time and our friend the talkative driver took us to this local restaurant. It was obviously his mates but the food was absolutely delicious and cheaper than we were paying anywhere else. The man kept putting more food on my plate. I didn’t want to be rude so I obliged and ate that. I mean these people were starving in India and I didn’t want to have any food thrown out. While I was eating he was hovering around and once that was gone magically another portion of food was on my plate. I didn’t even see him do it half the time. Just that no matter how much I ate there was still food on my plate.

“Hannah, I know I am skinny and all but not that skinny that a poor Indian has to take pity on me and try and fatten me up am I?”

Hannah didn’t need to look me up and down and consider it for a moment. She also didn’t have to sound so sarcastic in her reply.

I was so pleased with the service I even gave him a tip. The first tip in 3 months. I am easy bribed. Give me good cheap food, honesty and free seconds and I am your man.

Right about then mr driver told us of the next plan. Monkey Temple! That’s right folks the holy grail of the Monkey Butler band wagon. I nearly got out and pushed the little tuk tuk there faster I was so excited.

At base camp to monkey temple I bought some nuts to feed the little blighters. Along the way we saw a 5 legged holy cow which apparently cost me money for walking near it. I was way too excited about the impending monkeys to put up too much of a fuss.

I pulled out the nuts at the top and was introduced to monkey heaven with me as their food god. They swarmed around me and jumped around the place.

“Look Hannah, monkeys!!”

“Yes Mika I know you just said that.”

“No but seriously the monkeys Hannah!”

“Yes I can see them.”

“Monkeys!” I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t getting into it as much as I was.

Things then went to monkey hell when the alpha males came and decided to start this big war of the nuts with me right in the middle. I was standing in the middle and on either side were the two tribes. I decided to stir things up a bit and give some nuts to my favourite side. This caused some monkey squeals and an enemy monkey sortie came in for the kill. I tried to rally the troops to defend me their food god. About 2 seconds later I realised monkeys were not as loyal as I had assumed the monkey butlers would be when they both attacked at once. So I dropped my nuts and ran. Cheeky monkeys. I forgave them though because they are monkeys. Who can stay angry at monkeys? They are funny because they are cheeky and that’s why everyone loves them.

Later that afternoon taxi man took us to the water temple. I jumped out and as soon as I did dittography man started to tell us the history 23 times.

“Oh sorry, I have a call.” I said quickly whilst pretending I had a phone in my pocket.

“MIKA!”

“Sorry Hannah I just have to take this.” I said running off to leave Hannah all alone and stuck with the driver.

“Mika, you don’t even have a phone…..”

I was out of there so I jumped around the place trying to get the best angle for a few snaps. I finished up just as Hannah was finished with the history.

“Ok I am ready to go now.” I said.

Hannah positively glared. “Traitor.”